Forged and Polished: Chapter Four

The rest of the day goes by in an absolute blur. I knock out another draft of the basic running procedures SOP but not much else. It sounds so cheesy, but that kiss was electric. It's everything I wanted it to be. He smells like comfort and peace. He tastes... well he tastes like coffee right now. I suppose that should be expected. It’s still getting cataloged away in the memory though.

Running on pure adrenaline isn't the best way to work on technical equipment, so I have to push back the technical handoff I was supposed to do with Jim. He was more than slightly annoyed, but I only have to deal with his shitty attitude for another week. Mark him as one of the two people that I will not miss from this job even though he was one of the people who directly hired me.

My mind is BUZZING and does not stop. I have a date with Alex. I have a date with my regional manager. The man I've danced around for five years. Holy shit. We are crossing so many lines. Maybe it's not so bad. It'll only be a week of breaking some major ethical codes. 

I somehow get through the rest of the day and leave on time. Traffic will be a bitch, but I am still free of the office. For a Friday, I'll take it. I need to remove myself from that building for a bit and digest what happened today anyways.

I get in my car and send an SOS to my best friend. I need to talk to someone now. They are gonna judge me HARD, but after they are done with that portion, I need some support. 

I get an instant message back. "Call?"

I dial them up and pull out of the parking lot. Kai answers before it even rings twice. 

"What happened?! Are you okay?"  

"Okay, first off, Kai, I'm physically okay, yes." I knew they would be overprotective first. That’s pretty standard. It’s what they have done since we met.

"Elizabeth May.... what does that mean?"

"So you uhhh.... Uhmm.... you remember the coworker I told you I thought was being flirty, but I couldn't tell, so I wasn't sure..." I trail off. I don't know how to even finish that sentence. 

"What did you do? Do I have to fly there and beat your ass?" 

"Why do you think I did something?!" 

"Girl you're messy and stupid when it comes to dick. So what did you do?"

I laugh and squeak out, "I didn't start it." 

"Okay. That doesn't answer my question completely. What happened?" 

"Okay well he kissed me...." 

"BITCH WHAT HAPPENED." I worry for a second that they are going to blow out the speakers on my phone before we finish this conversation. I do have to somehow drive home and explain all of this. I don’t need to cause more chaos today. One life changing event is enough.

"Okay please don't yell at me. You don’t even have the full story," I laughed. 

“Keep going then.”

"So it's sort of a blur. But I was working in the lab, and we ended up talking... and talking more.... and he kept pushing the conversation and saying things like 'oh you may be surprised' and shit like that, so I may have accused him of all the flirting and the hard on and all this shit.... uhm, and then he told me I wasn't crazy." 

"Dude... slow down. I need a minute to wrap my head around that. He confessed he had feelings for you? Do you know how many different ethical lines that crosses? Child, you think I was mad about you fucking your professor… we are so far past that."

I take a deep breath and remember I'm driving home because I kind of forgot. "I'm aware. Trust me. We ended up stepping out of the office a bit later and talking at Starbucks."

"Okay.... child what did you do?"

"Hey don't accuse me! He suggested it. I just agreed. We talked about a lot of it, confessed our feelings for each other, and may have set a dinner date for tomorrow. Oh, and then he kissed me before we drove back to the office." 

I think that's everything. Holy shit, it seems insane saying it out loud. What the actual fuck is going on in my life right now? I get why Kai is freaking out. This is insane. 

"Dude. That's a lot. Wasn't it supposed to be a calm Friday?!"

"Yeah well.... it wasn't okay???"

"I'm guessing I can't talk you out of this?"

I just flat out laugh in response. "Kai... I've orgasmed to the thought of him more than is normal. I’m single. No, you can't talk me out of this, but I can say that I want to be cautious. I have zero plans to do anything more than have a nice dinner and talk tomorrow. That counts for something right?"

"Liz I will beat you senseless if you fuck him tomorrow. At the very least, wait until he's not your boss anymore."

"Dude. I promise. I won't even suck his dick. Just dinner and talking. But also, for the record, I don't formally report to him. He just does all the regional management." 

"You know that doesn't make it better." I hear the frustration in their voice. They have watched me do some stupid shit. This may be the worst though, worse than going back to my ex, worse than moving in with a man child, worse than the professor. Okay, maybe Kai has a point. I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to dick.

I'm finally home in my garage. It feels so alien to be back in my apartment building. I can't explain why, but the world seems to have fundamentally changed in the last twelve hours. 

Heading back upstairs, I can't help but sigh and feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders. 

"Dude what just happened to my life?"

"Liz, I truly don't know. Just don't do anything stupid, okay? No career killers and no babies. Deal?"

"Dude deal. You don't have to worry about that". 

Kicking off my shoes, I lean down to get Charlie out of her carrier and kick off my shoes. I need to feel like me again while everything now feels so foreign. 

"I think I'm going to shower and maybe stress crash. I can't believe today happened. Thanks for listening. I just needed to talk it out, and I don't think anyone else is safe enough."

"You know I love your crazy ass. Call me after the date. I don't think I actually want to know what y'all are doing, but whatever. Love you. Be safe." 

"Love you too Kai." We hang up, and I just flop onto my bed. For the first time today, the insane gravity of what just happened hits me completely. I'm incredibly excited, sort of giddy, overwhelmed, shocked, and honestly... fucking terrified. 

I turn the water up as hot as it can go while pulling out comfy clothes for after. Chester has joined Charlie and I in the bedroom now. He circles my legs and starts yelling at me. I've disgraced him by leaving to make money to feed him. 

While the water heats up, I sit down in the floor with him. I don't know if any amount of grounding can help me right now. Chester wants ear rubs and belly rubs which I'm happy to provide. I can't help but start thinking about all the "what ifs" that are now circling my brain. 

What if this goes horribly? What if he and I have nothing in common outside of the office? What if all of the conversations we have had in the office were a result of forced proximity? Example: we discussed, at length, some of the foundational theories postulated in Joseph Campbell's Primitive Mythology. The different ways in which proto-humans and humans looked at the world beyond themselves, and how I still don't understand how modern individuals haven't outgrown that tendency. That was an hour spent talking that was supposed to be spent working on reports. What if that conversation could never sprout again? 

What if he decides I am entirely too young and instead of being attracted to me like he has been, he sees me as a child? Fuck, I mean, I'm 26. Twenty fucking six. He's 53? Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. This is insane. There's no way this works. Hell, I'm sure everyone at Starbucks thought I was his daughter. There's no way anyone thought anything else. 

Actually... what if people think I'm a gold digger?! What if people think he's a predator? What if no one believes we both entered into this of our own free will? I mean there's no way anybody believes either of us. Our families will never be okay with this whatever it turns into. Dude, his daughters are going to freak out. Fuck they have every right to freak out on us.

Five, or maybe ten, minutes go by, and my whole room is completely steamed up before I realize that the shower is blasting. Chester is still lapping up the attention, but I need to burn my skin under the water. One last pet across his belly, and I drag my exhausted body into the water. It's only six pm, but it feels like midnight. So much has happened in such a short period of time. 

The water beats down on my back, and with my eyes closed, I just soak it all in. There are some really exciting "what ifs" too. I mean... what if this works? What if we can keep having these intense philosophical debates, but this time it's over coffee in the early morning hours in bed? What if we make it work for us? What if the sex is just that fucking magical? I mean at the very least, he has to know how to get a girl to orgasm. There's no way you survive that long as a straight man without that skill. I won't have to teach him like some of the others. Maybe the vibrators can take a vacation while he's around. 

Wait... but what if it's really bad? What if that's part of the divorce? I can't stay in a relationship if the sex isn't good. Holy shit, what am I doing? I can't exactly ask these questions either. He will think I'm insane if I text him and vomit out all of this. Granted, he has seen me in full breakdown before, but this is more insane than that. What am I supposed to do? I'm just ruining everything with no assurances that this goes right. I’m risking everything in the slim chance this even goes mildly okay.

The water starts to run cold, so I turn it off and drape myself with a towel.  The cats are still hanging out on my bed when I exit the bathroom. They look so peaceful and small especially for being tiny assholes. 

I'm not going to bother getting dressed. The sweats on the dresser are too far away right now. I'm not going anywhere anyways. I want to hide from the world, so it's not even remotely a possibility. I check my phone to see that he's texted me. 

I hope you're doing okay. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. 

Somehow, he knows I'm freaking out. That's probably not a hard assumption to make though. He's seen me freak out over many, many things before. This is a pretty major thing to freak out about. 

Just having a minor panic attack instead of getting dressed after a shower. No biggie. 

I need to calm my nerves down to even begin to think about sleeping. Tea it is. Some nice chai with a little vanilla speaks to me, so I make a mug and crawl back into bed. Comfort tv, tea, and my cats are hopefully enough to bring my nervous energy down. 

Supernatural plays in the background before I check my phone one last time tonight. 

Take a deep breath. Everything will be okay. I promise. Sleep well. 

And with that, well, I spend the next hour or two tossing and turning before I can finally pass out.

<3

Chapter Five