Forged and Polished: Chapter Three

The next hour is spent trying to write a ten sentence report that I've written hundreds of times before. Problem statement, data, conclusion. It's not that complicated, but at this point, I think tying my shoes would be complicated. This wasn't the plan. This wasn't the grand fucking plan I had for myself. I was supposed to have a teary goodbye luncheon and head off to my next adventure. I wasn't supposed to be confronted with the very real feelings that are somehow fucking mutual. 

I'm a planner. I plan out every single thing that I do. I plan out what days I'm cooking. I plan out laundry. I plan out when I'm brushing my fucking hair. Literally everything gets planned. This wasn't fucking planned!! He was supposed to be a reliable fantasy for days when I couldn't get off on other fantasies. He wasn't supposed to be real. Why the fuck is he real?

I manage to type out the "no ignitable liquid residues detected" final sentence to my report after making multiple mistakes and send it to my technical reviewer. My hands are shaky, my stomach has dropped into my feet, and my heart is racing. It's been an hour, and I feel like I'm going to die from the stress… and maybe excitement? Can I be excited? Fuck, I have no idea what I should be feeling right now. 

I put my iPad back in my office and swing by my admin's desk to let her know I'm stepping out for a bit. She gives a you okay?  look. I guess the stress is written on my face today. I take the long loop around back to my office and just wave at Alex before I head to the back parking lot. I guess it's now or never. We are really having this conversation. Charlie meows at me in protest. She does love her pup cups. Meow cups? Dear god even my thoughts are rambling inside my own head. 

My car is normally a happy place, but today, she can't clear my mind. I can't even put on music. I'm that terrified right now. I don't understand what's happening and having anything outside of my control makes my skin crawl on a good day. Today is not a good day. 

It's only a two minute drive over to Starbucks, so I pull in and park. I'm not sure how long he's going to wait to head out, so I pull up an audiobook and start listening. With my eyes closed, I try to get myself to focus on the story instead of everything else going on. I can't help but look around every minute or so. I'm kind of excited and fucking terrified. 

It takes five minutes before he pulls up and parks next to me. That alone shoots my heart rate through the fucking roof. Again. Maybe my heart will actually leap out of my chest and run away. It would make like a whole lot easier. Novel medical emergencies would at least take the focus off of me. My heart certainly doesn't feel healthy and happy right now. I put my chin to my chest and take three deep breaths. I know I probably look insane to him, but it's either deep breathing or a panic attack. 

After I know I can probably walk into Starbucks without collapsing, I look up and see him waiting for me. He definitely looks more relaxed than I feel. I'm guessing the years of testifying and being tormented by lawyers has helped the neutral mask he's wearing right now. He does throw a smile my direction before ordering my favorite drink for me and heading to a table off to the side. I'm still puzzled how he figured out my favorite drink, but this isn't the first time he's ordered me it without asking. 

I can't make myself speak first, so instead, I take a long sip of my latte. It's perfect. As normal. I finally get myself to look at him. He's definitely anxious too. He's messing with his hands just a little bit, but his face reads as calm and collected... if not, happy? 

"I'm not starting this conversation. Either you go first, or we drink caffeine in silence." 

That gets a laugh out of him which does help me breathe a bit easier. He's used to me deferring to him in professional settings, but this is most certainly not professional. I have no idea what to expect. My backbone seems to have all but disappeared on me, but I get a genuine smile before he begins to speak. 

"Well I'm not sure where you want to start. This is abnormal and certainly not in line with professional ethical standards."

I immediately cut him off. "That's a lot of formal bullshit in two sentences Alex. We are so far past professional now. I'd say we were past professional when you got a hard on while in the microscopy lab." 

He's actually shocked now. There's no denying that I probably took that one too far, but we aren't hiding behind his manager voice. This isn't about work. This isn't about science. This is about us. Somehow. 

"Okay. Fair. Plain words then. I've been attracted to you for a while now. I didn't know if it was mutual at first, but it sure seems like it is now, so it's up to you. I'm not using any of my position at work to influence you here.

"We have had some incredible conversations. We have argued about the mundane and the profane. You've challenged me since the day you were hired. You were so young but so sharp and eager. You quickly settled in and started throwing your weight around. I've seen you blossom professionally and open up personally. I think that's when started to fall for you. 

"I do want to be extremely careful in asking this. You have every reason to walk away. You start a new job in a week. You can walk away and start over. I'm in a precarious position even asking this of you, but I want to spend more time with you. I want to get to know you outside of the office, but I want you to make the decision without any pressure. There's no need to answer immediately, but would you like to go to dinner? "

Somewhere in the middle of that I think my ears started ringing. My throat is dry and closed, so instead of holding his eye contact, I drop my eyes to his hands that are resting on the table and take another few long sips. 

This is shock. Plain shock. I was not prepared for him to say that, nor was I prepared for him to admit all of that within minutes of sitting down. And an invitation for a date?! 

My head is spinning when I feel his hand reach over and gently sit over one of mine. He's testing the waters, but right now, I'll take the anchor point. 

"Sorry. I'm not upset. I just need a minute to process. I thought I was crazy."  

He just nods his head and lets me breathe. 

A minute. Two. Maybe more pass before I can bring myself together again. I look up, and he's definitely worried about my reaction. 

"Okay. First. To get it out of the way, yes. I would love to have dinner with you. 

There's the smile back. He immediately perks up. 

"Okay now that that's answered, some clarification for your conscience because it seems he needs it. You have not used a single ounce of your position above mine at work to get me to be here right now or say yes to dinner. I'm making this decision of my own stubborn, bad decision making skills." 

The hand that's resting on my own grabs on now, and his smile gets even bigger. 

"I'm sure we are both in agreement that this cannot and will not be shared at the office even after you move on. We will remain coworkers only at the office this last week, and even after you've moved to the new lab, we will have to keep it quiet. I know your new lab is down the street right? We will have to be careful."

"Alex, I'm not going to be that girl around the office. So yes. It will remain a secret. Hell, I'm guessing I'll only be able to tell my best friend. The age difference means most of my other friends will destroy me." 

"That was another thing I wanted to discuss. Are you okay with the age difference? I know we get along well, but it is certainly a large number. 20 years? 21 years? Hell, you're only 7 years older than my daughter." 

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me."

That was really not what I needed to hear him say right now, so I take another sip to calm myself. These are all things I've thought about. Maybe he didn't, but he's been in the center of some fun fantasies for me. It's not a new thought.  His age has actually been a factor in some of those orgasms. I've always been a sucker for a good age gap...

"Are you okay? I can't tell what you're feeling Liz. You look like you want to run away."

I do? I really don't want to run away. I mean, I am crazy stressed, but also I actually just felt my shoulders drop and relax. My body is confused.

"Oh no, I'm okay Alex. I promise. I'm just thinking. I'm actually really okay. Happy maybe? Happy isn't nervous enough of a word. It's all good emotions though. I think. I'm rambling, so I'm sure you can tell I'm nervous."  

He squeezes my hand in support, and fuck if I couldn't get used to that. He's so supportive. 

"So dinner? I'm free tomorrow. I know it's soon, but also I leave in a week, and I kinda wanna spend time with you before that happens."

"Liz, breathe. Yes, tomorrow is great. How about I plan something for us, so you don't have to worry? Just a simple dinner. I know you don't eat meat much, so I'll keep that in mind. Let's keep it simple. I can pick you up at six. Is that okay? I do already know your address after taking you home when your car was in the shop. I promise that's the only reason I know it." 

I have to laugh. "I remember. Don't worry. I don't think you're a creepy psycho. Yet"

"Well thanks for that," he laughs at me. 

"How the fuck do we even go back to the office and act normal now though? I just... how am I supposed to look calm?"

"You fake it Liz. Remember your deposition and testimony training. Neutral face, simple answers, leave no open-ended responses. It might seem cold for your coworkers that know you, but they won't guess why." 

"That's something I've always wondered. How do you manage that? You're always so cool and calm. I've read your transcripts. You're fantastic at depositions." 

"Well that's whiplash back to work topics. It's something that came with practice and time. You have to emotionally disconnect and focus on the facts. If you keep it in your mind that your answers are 'yes' and 'no,' it makes it simpler. If they need a more detailed response, you pick up the report and read from it. Give them nothing, and you'll always have control over it." 

"Hmm okay. I guess that may be something I'm not good at. I wear my emotions on my face." 

"Oh I'm well aware of that hun."

Oh shit. Pet name. Did he mean that? Was that just a slip of the tongue? He's not saying anything now. 

"Oh," is all I can say. My mind is still spinning. I don't know why I'm trying to hold a conversation. 

"Liz? Are you okay?" 

I just nod, "yeah. My head is just spinning a bit. Do you wanna head back to the office? We've been gone almost an hour."

"Yeah, that's a good idea." 

And with that, we clean up and head out. The warm sunshine is a welcome refresh. I take a few more breaths as we walk to our cars. 

He walks with me to the door of my car, and he pauses before we separate. 

"You head over first. I'll come a few minutes after." 

"That makes sense." I go to turn around and open my car door, but he grabs my wrist before I can. 

"Can I kiss you?  I've wanted to for a long time."

I nod my head, and he swoops down.

Finally, after years of daydreaming, he kisses me. It's sweet, but I can tell he's holding back. He's not pushing it, so I push him a little bit. I'm pinned between him and my car which puts me in a slightly difficult position, but I just can't sit back. My mind won't let me. I pull the kiss deeper wrapping my arms around his neck. He only lets that go for a few seconds before he pulls back with a huge smile. 

"Fuck Liz. Okay. You head back. I need a minute." 

I open my door with a smirk and turn my music up loud. Time to go finish up work for the day. 

<3

Chapter Four